Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Facebook Questionaires

If you're on Facebook, you've probably seen these friggen questionaires. People want to know more about you. Well... now they know a bit too much, so, I might have to....

If I’ve recently tagged you, please identify yourself the 10 digit number you’ll find on the tag below your dorsal fin.

1. Elaborate on your default picture?
Came with the frame.

2. What's your current state of being?
Semi-solid, but can be quite gaseous

3. Ever have a near-death experience?
Hey, it was only an “attempted murder charge,” or, as they called it in the Philippines, “frustrated homicide.”

4. Name an obvious quality you have?
Extreme good luck (otherwise, I’d be very, very dead)

5. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
The Crawdad Song as sung by Burl Ives

6. Name a celebrity you would marry?
HAL 9000

7. Who will cut and paste this first?
Me! I’m already doing that.... Duh!

8. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?
Yes, see question 3.

9. Do you wear a watch?
The watch isn’t the issue. It’s what the watch band is made of.

10. Do you have anything pierced?
Other people. See question 3.

11. Do you like pain?
No, but IV Morphine and Valium kick butt!

12. Do you like to shop?
Only in West Yellowstone, MT. Five fly shops centered on a microbrewery with great Carolina BBQ. I did have to pay for the damages and police barriers.

13. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Concealed carry permit.

14. What is your favorite lamp that you own?
Lamp, favorite friggen lamp!!!!???? Slowly I turned, step by step... See question 3.

15. How many TVs are in your house?
Uh uh. You’ve not Mirandized me so you’re not getting an answer to that.1

6. What is on your desktop background?
Black plastic.

17. What is the background on your cell phone?
Well, it was originally manufactured in a sweatshop in China using convicts as labor. These convicts were waiting to be organ donors for rich Europeans who didn’t want to wait on their national lists, but that’s neither here nor there. After that, it was shrink wrapped and put in a container ship that was owned by a front company for....

18. What was the last movie you watched in theaters?
Theaters are for theater, sides, I’ve not been allowed back in a theater since the Papillion incident back in ’73.

19. What was the last book you read?
ASN.1 Complete by Larmouth

20. Do you talk in your sleep?
Can’t, per National Security Directive.

21. Ocean or pool?
Ocean. To easy to spot the bodies at the bottom of the pool

22. Did you ever host a party that was busted by the cops?
Okay, back to question 3.

23. Current Crush?

24. Favorite Color?

25. Window seat or aisle seat?
Window with emergency exit. When crashing, I want to climb out on the wing and jump off five feet from the ground. Then I’ll live ‘cause I know I can survive a five foot jump.

26. Ever met anyone famous?
I’ve told you before, it was a misunderstanding and the restraining order is only valid in California.

27. Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life?
You would have to decide on which life you’re referring to.

28. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
I prefer to stand it on end.

29. Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey?
Hmm, I work for a living, so, with millions of others, I can say... Who?

30. Baseball or Football?
And what do you have against naked curling?

31. How long do your showers last?
Fairly quick, though the thundershowers with the big piece of sheet metal for the noise and pelting myself with ice cubes tend to last a bit longer.

32. Do you know how to drive a stick?
Sticks have neither motors nor legs. You’re on crack.

33. Cake or ice cream?
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, .... see question 3.

34. Are you self-conscious?
More on the level of self aware.

35. Have you ever given money to a homeless person?
I pay taxes, don’t I?

36. Have you been in love?
See question 26.

37. What is your favorite part of the Day/Night?
I prefer dawn or dusk when the guards’ eyes are adjusting to the light.

38. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yeh, and they get really pissed when you drive off with one.

39. Can you tango?
Actually, yes I can.

40. Last gift you received?
I prefer to give gifts. Hmm, if you tell a German that his meal is a “gift aus Frank,” he’ll run screaming into the night.

41. Last sport you played?
See item 30.

42. What would you like to spend a lot of time doing?
Don’t you mean “who?”

43. Last wedding attended?
My daughter’s.

44. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Bill’s House of Greyhounds. Talk about your fast food.

45. Most hated food?
Spaghetti. Due to my eating habits (see item 28), it’s become a diet food for me.

46. Can you sing?
I didn’t tell ‘em nutin. Nutin, I say!

47. Last person that called you?

48. What's your least favorite chore?
Paris Hilton. Oh, you said chore. Then, Paris Hilton fits.

49. Favorite Drinks?
Well, there’s one tall drink of water...

50. Have you been on a cruise?
How ‘bout, “Have you paid for a cruise?”

51. Are you a vegetarian?
No, I’ve got reinforced fenders and a scoop shovel.

52. Do you believe in Heaven?
Who’s version?

53. Favorite show?
With or without the telescope?

54. What jewelry do you wear?
Do these electronic bracelets count?

55. Are you eating?
No, digesting, maybe summarizing.

56. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
I feed them to my dog so he gets broccoli farts. Scares the crap out of himself.

57. Do you make commitments?
No, but I’ve been committed.

58. Can you dance?
Okay, I see your plan. You’re trying to trip me up after question 39. It’s not going to work. Keep it up, and I’ll see that you’re assembling cell phones in China.

59. Would you ever have plastic surgery?
Used to. Now I just eliminate the witnesses.

60. What do you wear to bed?
You’re gonna tell that guy from item 49, aren’t you?

61. Have you ever done anything illegal?
Charges dropped due to lack of evidence and witnesses.

62. Can you roll your tongue?
No, but I can yours. Old fashion, cast iron curling irons work best.

64. What is your hair color?
Uh, platinum blond. Yeah, that’s it.

65. Future child's name?
Oh Crap!

66. Do you snore?
I was accused of snoring once. See item 3.

67. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Let me check the extradition laws and get back to you.

68. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Just a deer mount.

69. If you won the lottery, what would you do first?

70. Gold or silver?
Silver swords and golden axes cannot rend this helm of mine, but going to take your castle, with its wenches so divine.

71. City, beach or country?
See item 67.

72. What was the last thing you touched?
No fingerprints or DNA, see item 15.

73. Where did you eat out last?
See item 42.

74. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Grow up. What, you got some Entwash? You think I’m short, is that it?

75. How many siblings do you have?
My mom married and buried 3 husbands. I have no idea anymore.

76. Do you like your hometown?
Now that they’ve closed the prison, its just not that homey any more.

78. Speak any languages?
A kurve anya pichebe.

79. Play any instruments?
I just fiddle around... or a square, may haps a decahedron.

80. Do you miss your past?
The witness protection folks say to forget about it.

81. Do you miss anyone?
Yes, very, very much.

82. Do you like the snow?
Arrrghhh!!! Hydrogen Hydroxide, DiHydrogen Monoxide, dihydrogenated oxygen, DHMO.... that’s some nasty crap man...

83. Do you believe ex-s can be friends?
That’s what I asked the judge. See item 26.

84. Have you ever fired a gun?

85. Have you felt sad in the past week?
The pits of despair.

86. Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
And he didn’t know about the cuirass I wear under the polo shirt.

87. Have you ever flunked a test?

88. Have you ever gotten a detention?
Detention? Didn’t you read about item 18?

89. What are you going to do after this survey?
Hit this ankle bracelet with a taser.

90. Last person you texted?
Old school texting (pen and paper) to the appeals court.

91. Name the people you have been friends with the longest?
Didn’t you read item 80?

92. How did you get one of your biggest scars?
Yah know, you really can “bust a gut” laughing.

93. Last person you said "I love you" to?
My bride

94. What makes you feel better when you are upset?
Either booze or exercise. But never, NEVER combine a 5th of scotch with a Bowflex machine unless you have an unlimited supply of ceiling tiles.

95. Where is your favorite vacation spot?
Watching the moving rocks in Death Valley.

96. Do you have a dog?
Will at about noon, see item 44.

97. Chocolate or regular milk?
Now, is this two nouns, one with an adjective? A choice of two adjectives for one noun? You're trying to trip me up again, aren't you. Yah know, that kinda pisses me off.

98. If you could die any way?
In my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and wailing like the folks in the bus he was driving.

99. Who is your literary Role Model?

100. Are you ready for the future?
I’m ready for anything once I get off this floor. You know how much a taser on the ankle hurts?

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