Wednesday, August 22, 2012

An Oklahoma Kid's first Bow and Arrow set

Don’t know who wrote this but the writer has a way with words that makes one visualize being right there beside him. It's a good, quick read.

Life as a child growing up in Oklahoma ....

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land  sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow.
Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take six rounds before it goes down? Tough “sumbich”. 

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. 

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and saw a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). 

A light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, "Ether" really doesn't "sound" flammable. 

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder used for muzzle loader rifles). 

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. 

My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz can of (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker, you know? 

You know what? Screw that!  I'm going back in the house for the other can, so I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'. 

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHOOT! He just got home from work. 

So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. 

I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot!
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk-back from 235 fricking decibels of sound.

I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering about one foot above the ground for as far as I could see. It was like a little low-to-the-ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two. 

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE COTTON PICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. 

There was a big sweet gum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That sucker got up and ran off. 

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport, having what I can only assume is, a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. 

There is a Honda 185 three-wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. 

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. 

I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. 

I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later, felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. 

I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again!" Thanks Mom. 

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. 

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life. 

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

New business opportunities

Hmm, there it is, right in front of me on Google news. "Spider Silk That Conducts Heat as Well as Metals" Wow! This is an organic material. Most don't conduct heat. Who woulda thunk it? Is there a buck to be made? Yes sir re Daddy!
So, here's the gist of the story. Researchers in Iowa have found that spider silk, specifically the "drag line," (sounds like a Vegas variety show) which is the main line that a spider uses to attach his web to trees and things, conducts heat. It conducts heat so well that it beats out copper. The only two things that do better are silver and diamond. Cool!
Even better, when the silk is under stress (stretched to its max 20% increased limit), it conducts up to 19% better. This is just one more thing that adds to the list of spider silk's amazing properties. So, how can we commercialize this?
Well, companies that want to produce spider silk use transgenic goats (hmm, wonder what the GOP's position on that is?). They splice the gene for making spider silk into the goat then milk it. The chemical for the spider silk is in the milk and they squirt it through tiny nozzles to make silk. Really!
They started off with hamsters but that wasn't commercially viable. It wasn't that they didn't get enough material from the hamsters, it was a supply and demand issue. See, the people with hands small enough to milk the hamsters unionized and the price went through the ceiling. So, they went to goats. Bigger handles.
Now, just thinking about these goats scares the crap out of me. Goats are good climbers anyway. Now they're going to be swinging around like Spiderman? Venomous bites? 8 legs, 120 lbs and hairy? (I think I dated her in high school).
Where was I? Oh, yeah, business. Okay, here's the idea. Put this gene into those fainting goats and sell them at Whole Foods. This is what happens:
You buy a goat and take it home. When you want dinner, you set out a bed of coals in your BBQ pit. Feed the goat a load of your favorite herbs, onions and garlic. When done, go over to the goat and hollar "Boo!" The goat faints, rolls over on its back, and squirts its load of milk into the air. The milk lands back on the goat and encases it in heat-conducting spider web stuff. Pick up the whole and place this spider web dutch oven into the coals. Cook for three hours.. Bob's your uncle.
This is the ultimate in cook-at-home takeout. You can dye your brand into the side of the goat (kinda like those Easter chicks that are dyed blue or pink). Ingredient list is easy... Goat. Stays fresh without refridgeration. Awesome. I'm getting hungry.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Note to Republican Party Candidates and their policy advisors:

Okay, its election season and you're trying to differentiate your campaign from those other, so called “candidates.” Here's a suggestion/policy that you can use to get yourself elected. It is so revolutionary that it will cure the nations ills and make you look like a genius (I know, if you're the policy advisor, this is off times a very difficult job).
What is my suggestion? Easy, tell the great unwashed.. uh, the great people of our nation that on your first day in office, you are going to invade North Korea! Wow! Cool!
What's that? You don't think this is a good idea? Of course it is. Think about it. Here are some reasons that its is the one idea that can save the nation, cure many of the ills in our American society, and put the nation back on the track to greatness.
1) Popularity: In time of war, especially in the first few weeks, a president's approval numbers skyrocket. Your “honeymoon” period will be marked by patriotic fervor and you can get about anything passed through Congress, ANYTHING! It doesn't matter if it may be slightly “unconstitutional,” it will take years to make it to the Supreme Court and, in the interim, you can have a blast! Don't like the federal reserve? Abolish it. Department of Education... fugetaboutit!
And to add to this, you're popularity with the North Koreans will be sky high. They have to love you. Its mandatory (how great is that?).
2) Outsourcing: You have a whole new labor pool for outsourcing. You own an extra country with out all those pesky EPA and labor laws. And it has labor unions YOU TOTALLY CONTROL! Wow. Work them 16 hours a day for a bowl of rice and they don't dare backtalk. If those pesky American union leaders give you grief, ship them over to NK and show them how their life is gonna be under your administration. They'll fall into line in a heartbeat. If they don't, hmm, no heartbeat.
You can even outsource the liberal left! What? You can't do that! Well, sure you can. Tell the ACLU and the Sierra Club that they're out of a job, they've been outsourced. You reconstitute them over in North Korea where they can learn how other countries do freedom of speech. Neeto!
3) Close Down Gitmo: All these liberals want you to close down Gitmo. Go for it. Turn Gitmo into a premo fly fishing resort run by some of your closest buddies. No laws on limits, gambling, prostitution... Its Cuba for heaven's sake. Hey, why are we coddling these terrorists anyway? “Ooooh, you've captured me and now I have to spend the rest of my life on a Caribbean vacation.” You just ship their assess off to North Korea. Now those North Korean bubbas know how to run prison camp and they don't have white sand beaches.
4) Obesity: The percentage of obese Americans has skyrocketed. You invade North Korea and guess what? You include the North Koreans in you obesity numbers. Instant drop! Talk about your biggest looser! Those folks are surviving on grass clippings and bark. It will be years before their consumption of Big Macs (supersized) and Happy Meals makes a dent in their waistlines. And now for the bonus round, you can ship Michael Moore over there! Let's see how much weight he can lose on a diet of IKEA factory scraps.
5) Missile basing: The Europeans and Russkies are giving us crap over where we want to put our missiles. Screw 'em. We can put them in North Korea, pointed right at the Chicoms and Russkies. We're on their border! We can then have our buds in the defense industry make a whole new series of missiles, charge the government the same price as the big ones, but the damn rocket motors only need to be 1/3rd the size! Hell, that's bigger than the Cornhusker Kickback.
6) Illegal immigration: Not happening from North Korea. When was the last time you had a North Korean working on your roof. Never! Also, one of the big problems we have with all these illegal immigrants we have in the US right now, is that we ship 'em back home and they're back taking up American jobs in a week and a half. Its a revolving door. New concept is that we ship them to the “country of our choice.” Guess where that is? You got it, North Korea. It'll be years, if ever, till they can make their way back to their home countries and then to our borders. Bonus is that some will stay in North Korea and we'll be able to find some good Mexican food when we go over on a fact finding tour.
7) Ethics: Okay, everyone is pointing to those pesky “ethics violations” in your record. They won't let it slide. You know, no one will care after they see North Korea. Hell, even the UN says its the most corrupt society in the world. Those kickbacks you've been getting will pale in comparison to what's going on over there. Another bonus, guess who's gonna be able to pad that nest egg? You got it. Everyone expects graft over there, so you're just “culturally attuned.” cha-Ching!
8) Taxes: Well, the Left always keeps whining about more taxes. We need to tax the 1%. Well, who's more “1%” than this 28 year old Kim Chong Un? He owns the friggen country! The tax rate over there is like 100%. Anything we do over there pours right back back into the good old American treasury! We'll. anything thats left after being “culturally attuned.” The “Left thats left” (hey, I'm hearing a new tea party slogan) will have nothing to whine about. You'll have seriously upped the taxes without taking one cent out of any American's pocket.

Okay, there might be a little downside to an invasion. North Korea has nukes. But hell, the only way they could use them is ship them out on a truck. Who are they gonna nuke, Seoul? They make a car called a KIA? Really? Killed In Action? If their marketing dweebs can't do any better than that, they deserve it. However, the upside is using good, ol' American companies for “reconstruction.” And our reconstruction teams don't have to eat kimche, they'll be eating good ol' TexMex! That'll knock down the nasty unemployment rate. Winning!

So, who's gonna be the first candidate to sign up for the new “Winning” policy?