Sunday, January 1, 2012

Note to Republican Party Candidates and their policy advisors:

Okay, its election season and you're trying to differentiate your campaign from those other, so called “candidates.” Here's a suggestion/policy that you can use to get yourself elected. It is so revolutionary that it will cure the nations ills and make you look like a genius (I know, if you're the policy advisor, this is off times a very difficult job).
What is my suggestion? Easy, tell the great unwashed.. uh, the great people of our nation that on your first day in office, you are going to invade North Korea! Wow! Cool!
What's that? You don't think this is a good idea? Of course it is. Think about it. Here are some reasons that its is the one idea that can save the nation, cure many of the ills in our American society, and put the nation back on the track to greatness.
1) Popularity: In time of war, especially in the first few weeks, a president's approval numbers skyrocket. Your “honeymoon” period will be marked by patriotic fervor and you can get about anything passed through Congress, ANYTHING! It doesn't matter if it may be slightly “unconstitutional,” it will take years to make it to the Supreme Court and, in the interim, you can have a blast! Don't like the federal reserve? Abolish it. Department of Education... fugetaboutit!
And to add to this, you're popularity with the North Koreans will be sky high. They have to love you. Its mandatory (how great is that?).
2) Outsourcing: You have a whole new labor pool for outsourcing. You own an extra country with out all those pesky EPA and labor laws. And it has labor unions YOU TOTALLY CONTROL! Wow. Work them 16 hours a day for a bowl of rice and they don't dare backtalk. If those pesky American union leaders give you grief, ship them over to NK and show them how their life is gonna be under your administration. They'll fall into line in a heartbeat. If they don't, hmm, no heartbeat.
You can even outsource the liberal left! What? You can't do that! Well, sure you can. Tell the ACLU and the Sierra Club that they're out of a job, they've been outsourced. You reconstitute them over in North Korea where they can learn how other countries do freedom of speech. Neeto!
3) Close Down Gitmo: All these liberals want you to close down Gitmo. Go for it. Turn Gitmo into a premo fly fishing resort run by some of your closest buddies. No laws on limits, gambling, prostitution... Its Cuba for heaven's sake. Hey, why are we coddling these terrorists anyway? “Ooooh, you've captured me and now I have to spend the rest of my life on a Caribbean vacation.” You just ship their assess off to North Korea. Now those North Korean bubbas know how to run prison camp and they don't have white sand beaches.
4) Obesity: The percentage of obese Americans has skyrocketed. You invade North Korea and guess what? You include the North Koreans in you obesity numbers. Instant drop! Talk about your biggest looser! Those folks are surviving on grass clippings and bark. It will be years before their consumption of Big Macs (supersized) and Happy Meals makes a dent in their waistlines. And now for the bonus round, you can ship Michael Moore over there! Let's see how much weight he can lose on a diet of IKEA factory scraps.
5) Missile basing: The Europeans and Russkies are giving us crap over where we want to put our missiles. Screw 'em. We can put them in North Korea, pointed right at the Chicoms and Russkies. We're on their border! We can then have our buds in the defense industry make a whole new series of missiles, charge the government the same price as the big ones, but the damn rocket motors only need to be 1/3rd the size! Hell, that's bigger than the Cornhusker Kickback.
6) Illegal immigration: Not happening from North Korea. When was the last time you had a North Korean working on your roof. Never! Also, one of the big problems we have with all these illegal immigrants we have in the US right now, is that we ship 'em back home and they're back taking up American jobs in a week and a half. Its a revolving door. New concept is that we ship them to the “country of our choice.” Guess where that is? You got it, North Korea. It'll be years, if ever, till they can make their way back to their home countries and then to our borders. Bonus is that some will stay in North Korea and we'll be able to find some good Mexican food when we go over on a fact finding tour.
7) Ethics: Okay, everyone is pointing to those pesky “ethics violations” in your record. They won't let it slide. You know, no one will care after they see North Korea. Hell, even the UN says its the most corrupt society in the world. Those kickbacks you've been getting will pale in comparison to what's going on over there. Another bonus, guess who's gonna be able to pad that nest egg? You got it. Everyone expects graft over there, so you're just “culturally attuned.” cha-Ching!
8) Taxes: Well, the Left always keeps whining about more taxes. We need to tax the 1%. Well, who's more “1%” than this 28 year old Kim Chong Un? He owns the friggen country! The tax rate over there is like 100%. Anything we do over there pours right back back into the good old American treasury! We'll. anything thats left after being “culturally attuned.” The “Left thats left” (hey, I'm hearing a new tea party slogan) will have nothing to whine about. You'll have seriously upped the taxes without taking one cent out of any American's pocket.

Okay, there might be a little downside to an invasion. North Korea has nukes. But hell, the only way they could use them is ship them out on a truck. Who are they gonna nuke, Seoul? They make a car called a KIA? Really? Killed In Action? If their marketing dweebs can't do any better than that, they deserve it. However, the upside is using good, ol' American companies for “reconstruction.” And our reconstruction teams don't have to eat kimche, they'll be eating good ol' TexMex! That'll knock down the nasty unemployment rate. Winning!

So, who's gonna be the first candidate to sign up for the new “Winning” policy?

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