Quitting Smoking

A couple of years ago I quit smoking. Relapsed, and today, 4 Mar 2009, is my quit day. Thought I would reprise what it was like the last time I did this:

April 12th – Quit smoking. It’s a Monday, got my 21 mg patch, life is good. A few craves. Not really that bad.

April 13th – Craves are really cranking up. Ripped my shirt pocket getting my cigarettes out. Turned out to be my Palm Pilot so I lit my stylus and all was cool. People around me seem to be crankier than usual.

April 14th – Cat walked across my face last night while I was sleeping. Now I’ve got to replace that damned skylight. Got in the car and snorted my upholstery. Smelled like smoke. Pulled a few threads out and put them in the lighter. Ahh, just what I needed. No cigs though.

April 15th – It’s my birthday. Fascinated by the candles on the cake. Burning.. nice… Friggen’ drivers in this state are damned idiots. Now I understand road rage. They were in their first week on not smoking. Amazing how easy it is to run an 18-wheeler off the road. Asshole. I flashed him so he could change lanes and he didn’t even bother with a courtesy flash back at me. The team’s secretary quit. Said she wouldn’t put up with my attitude. Family is still supportive but they put the dog in a kennel.

April 16th – Wife bought me a carton of cigs today. What’s up with that? I stuffed them in her bra. Told her I was a non-smoker. She packed up the kids and went to her Mom’s on the left coast. Hell, if she won’t support me, good riddance. Man, almost through the week.

April 17th – Rained last night. Water came pouring in the skylight onto the bed. Nail gun and that nasty looking avant garde poster the wife bought sure cured that shit. Police showed up. Hey, if a guy wants to stand on his roof in his BVDs and scream at the heavens while shooting nails at passing cars, it’s his God given right. Got out in time to get to work. Found out that they have non-smoking cells at the sheriffs’ department.

April 18th – I think the “flatulence phase” is all bullshit. Had nachos and beer last night topped off with some leftover deviled eggs. Doc says I should clean my system out so I had a couple of glasses of Metamucil. No problems that I noticed. Boss finally realized my brilliance and moved me to a private office and out of the cube farm. Very supportive office mates helped me move.

April 19th – Kinda jittery. Getting healthy. Guy at the gym told me I was supposed to take off the patches and replace them, not just put on another one. I super glued his sneakers to the Nordic Trac, set it on high then busted off the stop/start button. Friggen, self-righteous, no-neck health nuts. Had time to go to the gym ‘cause I lost my job. I wouldn’t have thrown that damn printer through the window if some inconsiderate asshole would have refilled it with paper when it ran out. Shame to loose the job. New secretary was really hot (in a septuagenarian kinda way). Full Week Done!!! Woo Woo!

April 20th – Arm’s in a sling. Gonna sue the grocery store. All’s I did was try to light a damn cinnamon stick and you’d thought I was a mass murderer. Took seven of the bastards to take me down and there’s one bag boy whose gonna walk funny for a while. Asshole lawyer of mine handed back his retainer. Told me I needed help. Screw him. He’s never smoked. Doesn’t know what its like.

April 21st – Man, 10 days. Look at my quit meter. I feel so much better now. I’ve learned to ignore the distractions like the banging on my door and the sirens. You know, if you inhale right, tear gas can give you a rush just like a cigarette. I feel like I have superhuman strength…

Entered into evidence on this day April 22, 2004 in the case of Maryland against Reid.