Monday, December 1, 2008

Scientific Study Reveals Hypnotizing Feather Effect

A recent study has indicated that chicken feathers give off certain pheromones that can actually hypnotize men and women, causing them to purchase ungodly amounts of fluff at outrageous prices.
When stored in large quantities in enclosed spaces, the pheromones (from the feathers) cause memory loss and induce the nesting syndrome (similar to the one squirrels have before the onset of winter, i.e. storing food), therefore perpetuating their species. This "nesting" leads to very large agglomerations of feathers. It is posited that the pheromones may come from a symbiotic bacteria and these agglomerations serve to gather large quantities of bacteria together where they breed and further affect the afflicted with memory loss.
Additionally, anechoic chamber tests have also revealed that these feathers emit a very high-pitched sound, heard only by a select few breed of men and women known as "fly tyers." One researcher commented "It's like some ungodly siren song. I was almost lured in myself until I saw the price tag. I could have spent 85 dollars on a chicken neck and not gotten enough meat for lunch."
When recorded and played backwards on an LP, the sounds are heard as chants "buy me, cut me, whip me, tie me!" In order to overcome the so-called "feeding frenzy effect" that these feathers cause, one must wear a full, military-grade gas mask when entering a storage facility and use ear plugs to avoid being pulled into their grip.
Studies have also indicated that aliens have inhabited the earth, helping to spread the effect that these feathers have on the human population. They are called FLY SHOP CLERKS. They can sometimes be heard babbling in their own language, using words like isonychia and meniscus.
One surprising find in this study is the affect on the integrity of those affected. It was found that these same pheromones cause a pathological need to secret these feather purchases away when taken home (or at least blend them into the existing stash), and when asked by a significant other if the feathers are new, the reply is "I've had them for a while."

1 comment:

MicZ said...

Men! Women stopped doing this decades ago, but men are just now thinking of it?

Man: (referring to "new" looking boots from which he's forgotten to remove the zip-tie through the laces yet) "I've had those for awhile." Nary a scuff on 'em...and that from the outdoorsy mart he bought 'em from when the alien, er clerk, said "I'm authorized to take 10% off for that scuff."

Wife? chime in now...

Still nothing.
Wife says nothing - what's to be said?, women mastered this decades ago, wifey can't very well say "I know that trick, buster" - it's a wife-only "secret to the grave" kind of thing, if you fess up EVER one of the smarter of the husband species (being generous here) MIGHT eventually catch on and then there'd be hell to pay...but men? Men think it's new because they missed it the first time around!